It’s about wanting it. As other people have noted, it’s easy to forget why these goals are important. How to get motivated and stay that way. How not to get bored.

I’m doing great with getting in the long runs on the weekends. I’m actually loving them more than I ever thought I could. It helps that I can just turn off my brain and take as long as I need to finish. I just have to keep running. Speed and time? Eh. I like knowing what my pace is, but I don’t really care so much. I’m covering the miles, I’m Getting Things Done.

And that’s great, because the long runs have been a major mental and physical challenge, one I have succeeded at. I know how to keep going! Just one foot in front of the other, until I hit the end of the miles. I can do that! And it’s great to know.

Where I’ve been falling down, though, is the runs through out the week. I skipped one run altogether last week – making me short 3 miles on the #OctGTD challenge. It’s bumming me out – not so much because I can’t make up those miles, but because I haven’t had any motivation to run during the week. All I want to do in the mornings is sleep, and when I come home from work (even when work is less insane, as it has been lately), I just don’t. wanna. And that’s a problem – these runs are when I should be picking up speed and increasing my confidence. The trouble is that  I’m almost overconfident here – I know I can knock these runs out easily! I will just do it TOMORROW, you guys. For real. And it will be easy!

Well. It won’t keep being easy if I don’t do them. Part of the problem is that I’m burning out on running – the only other exercise I have really kept up with during this training is yoga, and I’m looking forward to the time After the Half when I get back to doing more strength training, pilates, spinning and swimming. But for the next two weeks, I need to keep my running going and get into this.

It’s doable, it’s possible, and it’s important. And I’m running six miles after work today.

And these people like to have challenges! And they’re fun! This month, I’m taking part in the October Going the Distance challenge over at FatGirlvs.World. (She’s on Twitter here.) I love it because it’s a SRS BSNSS challenge to myself. For more on the thoughts behind the challenge, check out her latest post.

I have pledged to run 100 miles this month. Counting up  my training plan, I saw I was going to be at 95 miles anyway, so why not, I thought, just up that by a mile here and there?

Why not indeed? So far, I’m at 22 miles – that’s 22% of my goal, which makes me even happier to have picked a nice round number. I don’t have to think too hard about my progress! This is awesome!

And the training is generally going well. Last week’s 10 milers was solid, and tomorrow’s 11-miler should be as well.

I stopped in grad school (Missouri was hilly! I kept erratic hours! It was cold! I had a lot of excuses) and didn’t pick it up seriously again until this spring, in spite of my abortive tri attempt last year (there were no sidewalks in my neighborhood in Maine! THERE WAS SO MUCH SNOW OHMYGOD! I was busy the first year I lived in D.C.! Like I said, I am good at the excuses).

But the half-marathon – there have been excuses, but at the end, there’s that race, staring at me, saying, ‘Everyone knows you’re signed up for this. You’re not going to bail again, are you? Yeah, you probably are.’ And then I’d just get mad at myself for being defeatist, and get back on track.

And good grief, am I glad I have. I remember why I loved running in college – you can just turn off your brain and zone out. It’s the most meditative state I’ve ever been in (I’m bad at sitting still for too long, and worse at keeping my mind clear in proper meditation – I’m working on that) and it helps clear things out for my day, gets me centered and focused and ready in ways I had forgotten about.

I love how proud I feel when I’m done, how accomplished, how strong. I love the wind in my hair and the pounding of my feet on the pavement, the muscles working in unison to move me forward. I feel like, if I can just keep running, there’s nothing I can’t do.

There’s nothing else like it, and I’m so glad to have found that feeling again.

Lots of pockets! Including one JUST for my gum!

Shoes are separate from the rest of the clothes! Clean clothes forever!

It's pretty sizable, even after the shoes are in their pocket

Seriously, I love all the pockets

Pros:

1. I mentioned the pockets, right? Everything is separate, things that are wet or dirty won’t get on my nice clean work clothes, and this makes me crazy happy.

2. It’s big enough to hold all but the most giant shoes (boots, I’m talking about you!) and maybe once it’s properly winter space will get tight, but I imagine I’ll be wearing my sweaters on my walk to and from the gym, so I don’t see it as being too big a problem. This cuts down my bag-carrying needs from three on some days (lunch, messenger bag, gym bag) to one most days, or two on days when I have a large lunch or a lot of clothes in my gym bag. Win!

3. There’s also a strap on the back so you can attach it to the handle of your rolling luggage for travel.

4. It’s got a vinyl-coated bottom so it should be easy to clean, and the insides seem like you could just wipe them down and go.

Cons:

1. It’s kind of heavy. Not hugely so, but enough so that you notice. Adding in the running shoes, of course, just weighs it down more. The solution I’d love to see: A long shoulder strap! Unlikely to happen, I suppose, but it would be a nice option.

2. The water bottle pocket is inside the bag, which isn’t a huge problem, but is a little awkward. An exterior pocket would be easier – I could drink as I walk – and perhaps a bit safer, as I wouldn’t have to worry about leaky bottles.

3. No yoga mat straps. Obviously not a dealbreaker, but would be a nice feature.

4. Cell phone/iPod pocket is inside the front pocket (the long thin one) and it’s a little awkward to listen to music with it in there. That pocket in general is also just a little too shallow – it’s tough to fit my chubby wallet in it.

5. I don’t love the quilting, but I feel like the dotty pattern at least adds a fun graphic element so you don’t notice it as much.

These are mostly quibbles, though. Overall I am completely in love with this bag!

Did I mention that I was running a 10K as part of my training? I thought it would be something fun to look forward to and a good way to break up the long runs. Which it totally was!

The race was part of Clarendon Day 2010. I don’t live in Clarendon, but I don’t live too far away, and the course was advertised as ‘mostly downhill.’ So that was perk number one. Perk number 2? The course ended two Metro stops away from the race start, and the organizers included a Metro fare back to Clarendon in the packet! Perk 2? A free beer! Perk 3: Using the showers at Gold’s Gym in Clarendon to get all clean so I could poke around the festival. Awesome, Gold’s Gym!

As for the race itself, I finished in 1:07:20, which was exactly where I wanted to be. I was aiming at somewhere between 1:06 and 1:08. On the 10K I ran *cough*6 years ago*cough* I finished at 1:10 or so, so I was very happy with my time! And the course was indeed mostly downhill. The course took us down through Courthouse to Rosslyn and onto the George Washington Parkway past the Pentagon. It was pretty awesome running on the closed parkway! Tiny hill at the turnaround, tiny hill before the finish, and done.

It was a bit discouraging at the start, because people kept passing me! But I just reminded myself that I needed to go slow, take it easy, and save my power for the end. Passing people could wait!

I love that I did this race. It got my head in the right place, reminding me that running is as much mental as physical (whole post on that later this week). It reminded me that I can do this, that I am a runner again, and that all the work is worth it.

No run this morning – I got too caught up in work/food prep stuff. But I’ll have dinner waiting for me when I get home from the gym after work!

I don’t, generally. Scream, that is. I move on, ignore it, and sometimes that works. Sometimes, like, oh, all of last week, it doesn’t. Those are the weeks the little voice is more seductive, less berating: “Oh, you don’t want to go for a run anyway, it’s just not really that important.”

But the little voice is wrong: Every step I take, every time I put one foot in front of the other and add up the miles, it counts. It’s important. Every run is a damn victory lap.

I made good progress this week, all things considered, and the biggest was: Running 7.5 miles out of 8! That’s right! I had to walk for a half a mile (up a crazy big hill – it is seriously half a mile, and I couldn’t do it at mile 5.5) but the rest of the time? I was running. I am crazy proud of myself, and it was one more way to tamp down on the little voice that says NO.

Next week will be a challenge – I’ll be in western Colorado, which is really really high up there. I haven’t done much running at altitude, so the plan is to keep the runs short and sweet and do my long run Sunday upon my return to the oxygen-rich flatlands. I won’t have my laptop but I might make a blogging attempt on my hosts’ computer. If not, until next week!

But over the course of the past few months, I’ve stalled out on losing. I’ve come far enough that it’s not hugely frustrating, but frustrating enough that I thought I maybe needed a reboot. Like I’m Spiderman! Or something. I’ve also found that as I upped my mileage, I felt more and more tired and more constrained by my points. It’s entirely possible it’s just perception and not reality at all, but it was enough to make me think that I needed to change things up.

So I switched over from the standard, familiar Points-based, calorie counting plan to the ‘Simply Filling Technique.’ Weight Watchers says this is for people who hate to track, which…that’s not me! I like tracking. It feeds my slightly OCD side. But that’s sort of a problem, too – I get TOO obsessed, then I flip out, then I start lying to myself about what I ate or didn’t eat or just ignoring things. Simply Filling is simply…intuitive eating, eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins and some dairy. There are still 35 weekly points for things like breads, additional oils, sorbet, whatever.

At first I was terrified. How could I manage it? It was going to be awful. No bread? What would I eat for lunch without sandwiches? Potatoes, rice OR whole grain pasta only once a day? Wouldn’t I be starving? Isn’t that basically the South Beach Diet? (I was always hungry on South Beach, when I tried it – I got why it worked, but without carbs I just don’t feel satisfied.)

I won’t lie, the thing that convinced me to give this a shot? The ‘eat as much of an avocado as you want’ part of this. I’ve been on a serious, serious avocado kick lately – it goes well with lean proteins, which I’ve also been trying to eat more of (it’s good for gaining muscles!) and that’s what made me realize I could do this Simply Filling/Intuitive Eating thing.

It wasn’t always easy – I snacked on things that weren’t part of the plan, ate more oils than were a part of my daily allotment, and went over the weekly points, but I made most of it up with exercise. I ate a lot of fruit, a lot of guacamole (homemade! Nothing but avocados, tomatoes, lime juice, shallots and garlic), a lot of quinoa and black beans, and I lost a pound and a half.

I might try it again next week. I’m not sure it’s a long-term solution, but it’s shaking things up a bit, and that’s what I’m after.

1. ‘Toning shoes’: Really, shoe makers? I need these? You haven’t convinced me yet. And you probably never will. I just don’t buy that a shoe will do anything to make me stronger/fitter/etc. unless I actually, you know, WORK OUT in it. I’m pretty sure I could rant for a whole post about these, but I’m restraining myself.

2. Vibram Five Fingers: They kind of creep me out, I won’t lie. I’m superhappy if you like them! But I don’t.

3. Anything seen on an infomercial: This includes Abrollers, Thigh Masters, Bowflexes (not that I have space for one!), those vibrating ab machines. It also includes any diet plans you buy over the phone. No thanks! I’ve got the Internet, people! It’s got more recipes than your silly diet plan ever could.

4. Legwarmers: American Apparel really wants me to believe that these are cool. I couldn’t disagree more (not exactly a fitness tool, but so associated with Jane Fonda, I can’t NOT add them).

So, that’s all I can come up with at the moment. What do you guys have? Have you ever bought any ridiculous things of your own?

And I think, the thing is, I’m not hiding. I’m trying to live better, run more, eat well, because these things, in and of themselves, make me happy. Being strong and fit and full of delicious, healthy food? Yeah, I like that.

But it’s not the whole story (when is it EVER the whole story?).

I also like to have drinks with friends, get a little silly, eat terrible food. I love to snack and am a grazer by nature. How do I reconcile these things? How do I talk about them? I don’t, generally.

I’m doing this (sort of) publicly, in hopes that I’ll stop omitting the inconvenient truths and become more honest about where I am and who I am. So here’s step one:
I feel like a big, fat (literally and figuratively) fraud. I’m not running enough, I’m snacking too much, and I’m not very happy about where I’m going right now. My choices are better than they once were (binging on chocolate sorbet instead of double fudge brownie ice cream? Yeah, that’s an improvement…sort of), but I still can’t say no to late-night cheese and crackers or

I’m working on accountability, on getting what I really want out of life. Is it more important to drop a pound (or at least, not gain a pound) than to skip out on snacks and sangria with my friends? No, the answer is generally “It’s not, really.” And yet how does that actual, who-I-am thing reconcile with the who-I-want-to-be thing? Conventional wisdom says you can’t have both. My heart says I need to find a balance, or I’ll always be miserable.

I’m not there yet. Maybe I never will be. Maybe it’s always a struggle.

In actual, you know, running news, I went Monday, and it was terrible. I took Dog Wonder, who is nearly 10, and really didn’t appreciate the 85 degrees at 9 a.m. I felt terrible, and also hot. I haven’t gone since, having been plagued with low-level sinus headaches (which running would help) and happy hours. Excuses, excuses. I’m healthy, strong and I can do this, if I get my head on straight.